How do I handle my child being resistant to coming to therapy?
You can tell your child is struggling. They’re sad or withdrawn, or they’re anxious and avoidant, or they’re angry and defiant. You’ve tried all you can to help them, but things aren’t getting better and you’re afraid they’re going to get worse. But the thought of getting them to agree to talk to a therapist can be just as overwhelming as the problem at hand. You’re anxious your child’s resistance to coming to therapy will stop them from feeling better. It makes sense you’re anxious about this conversation. We hope this article will help you know how to walk into this conversation with the information and vocabulary that will help.
It is normal and reasonable for a kid to be unsure about coming to talk to a stranger about the most vulnerable parts of themselves. They can easily feel uncomfortable, ashamed, or even like they’re being punished when they are expected to open up to this unknown person about their struggles. When you approach your child with the idea of talking to someone, make sure you’re approaching it from a place of support and help. If you communicate feelings of frustration or hopelessness, it will be harder for your child to feel like the solution you’re offering is supportive or easy. Wait until you’re in a gentle mood and then start the conversation with what you’ve noticed in their demeanor or behavior that you’re concerned about. Acknowledge and validate their struggles, normalizing the difficulties they’re going through considering their age, circumstance, etc. This is a an important first step before suggesting that it may help to talk to someone and get some help from an adult who will understand their feelings and know how to help them feel better.
Explain to your child what a therapist is and what they can do to help. You can explain that therapists are professionals who work with feelings; they understand kids’ feelings, have ideas of how to help kids feel better, and offer a place for kids to talk honestly about their feelings without having to hold anything back. Explaining to a younger child that the therapist’s office will have games and toys to play with can help them feel excited and curious. Alternatively, older kids being able to anticipate time to talk confidentially with the therapist can be reassuring.
Having your child be involved in choosing their therapist can be helpful as well. You can present a few options of therapists that you know have good reputations, have been suggested by friends or doctors, and that you have spoken to and feel would be a good personality fit for your child. Having your child look at the website of the therapists you’re considering and see what they look like and what sort of help they offer can help them feel more invested and comfortable in coming in.
At Willow Tree, we want our clients to know what to expect during our first session together and we aim for that first hour to be as relaxed and positive as possible. Yes, we will talk about whatever they are struggling with that led you to schedule the appointment, but we also want to hear about your child as a whole. We will talk about them as babies and toddlers, hear about school and friends, what they like and what they’re good at, hear about your family and their pets, and then also discuss whatever is feeling hard at the moment. Parents will be in the session for the first appointment to gather this full history, but moving forward, kids will be able to talk with their therapist on their own as well. Some kids appreciate the reassurance that they will have their parents with them, and some will look forward to talking privately; reassure your child that both will happen.
If all of these details, reassurances, and validation have not helped your child agree to come to therapy, you can strike a bargain with them. Have them agree to only the first appointment. They do not have to sign up for a long-term commitment, or even a second appointment. You can reassure them that they don’t even have to talk if they don’t want to! Assuming you have found a therapist who is a good fit for your child, most kids can feel the benefits of the therapy office during that first visit. They often end up talking when they didn’t think they would, and they can feel the relief in being able to talk about their struggles with an adult who understands things and is there as an ally, not an authority figure.
If even during the first session your child is still closed to the idea of therapy, therapists at Willow Tree often take the tact of suggesting to the child that they agree to come for three or four sessions and just try it out. With this agreement, the child and the therapist strike their own bargain that if after those four sessions they don’t think therapy is helpful and they don’t want to continue, we will all agree they should not keep coming. At that point, other plans can be made of how to support them in the ways they need it. But by then, they will have felt the support and concern from their parents, the understanding and guidance from the therapist, and an alternate plan of how to continue helping them feel better.
Because therapy is unknown to most kids, and even many adults, it can feel very uncomfortable to consider. Here at Willow Tree, we aim to make the entry into the therapy world a positive, relaxed experience. Helping your child feel prepared and comfortable with the process is not easy, but done with validation, information, and negotiation can make it possible.